Hahaha I said last year I would write more...but that obviously didn't happen. Boy I was reading through my old blogs...and I bitched a lot. Goodness....and it was over silly crap too! Ugh teenage me...how lame.
But my main reason for deciding to write is about my grandmother. She passed away last Thursday evening. Her wake was Tuesday, February 5th, and she was buried Wednesday, February 6th. Basically, I need to write...to help me move on. It seems silly; everybody says it'll be ok and I totally believe that...but it's not ok right now. It will be...but for now I just need to be sad. When she was buried...that's the last I'll see of her beautiful self. It hasn't hit me yet...I cried so much on Friday...lasted until the wake. Then crashed and I was speechless half the time. People are supportive...but it's unpredictable. I've never lost anyone...ever. I still have a great-grandmother who's flying to California for vacation...it hasn't hit me...and I'm scared to let it. I have an amazing boyfriend who is there for me...my family and friends are amazing and supportive...but it's hard. What do you do when you realize you will never see this person again? Never hear their voice again? Never have their presence at family time again? What do you do?
There were many moments when we thought we would lose her. Breaking her hip, not being able to eat, and just in pain. I guess it's better now; she's free of pain and suffering. But she was so close to many highlights this year. She never met Hugo, her great-grandson. I would be the first cousin on that side her in MN to graduate college this Spring. It is New Years on Sunday. She didn't even know her brother passed away a year ago...now she knows by meeting him there. It's selfish of me to say it's unfair...I don't want her to suffer. To feel pain. But I miss her. I do. A lot.
Watching my grandfather at the funeral was devastating. He's so lost without her. She was his rock; kept him grounded. He stared so forlorn at her still body...held her hand like he always does, kissed her forehead numerous times. It was heartwrenching. How do you move on? How do you move on when the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate, is gone?
Well...time to start anew I guess. I thought xanga would be a good outlet for when I started college...but my last entry was a LONG time ago...when I first started college pretty much. I guess it's time to start over.
It's nice to have a writing outlet. I kinda miss it, but there's just never enough time to dedicate to sit down and write on xanga. And when I mean write, I mean literally, just type away. I guess one of the reasons I'm going back to xanga is because of my writing class. Even though the papers are lame, I enjoy the writing. Makes me miss fanfiction and short stories, which I use to write a lot in high school. Ugh. Damn you college. But now, I might be graduating next spring...so it'd be nice to document my last fall semester. Or at last, hope it's the last one. I'm hoping to get into vet school...but I don't think I will. My grades aren't quite as good...craps
Sooooo I should be reading my syllabus and stuff...but I can't focus so I decided to blurb a little bit. I honestly really like my Companion Animal class...it sounds fun and amazing and I feel like I'm gonna like that class a lot. The teacher is great; he's funny and interesting in a good way. Plus I have Pam and Jamie so it feels good to have people I know. Public speaking....hmmm...I honestly like the professor. She's working on her Ph.D and she totally doesn't look the part. She's cool, fun, and really lenient...which makes me feel better about public speaking. Econ...here I come!
I'm a student currently studying Animal Science with a Pre-Vet Emphasis. I know I want to become a vet and help animals...my only dilemma is deciding what kind of animals to focus on. My top two choices now are domestics (dogs, cats, birds, etc) or equine. On a smaller scale is something exotic, like marine mammals.
Domestic animals are the most common pets: dogs, cats, birds, and I guess amphibians. Since I live in the suburbs, it would makes sense to become a domestic veterinarian. I could work in a clinic and not have to move around so much and I would have a wider specification of species. I own dogs, fish, and birds so knowing a lot about different kinds of animals is not a problem for me.
The one thing that kinda puts me in my dilemma is that I love horses. I have been riding since I could walk and it would be a dream to become an equine veterinarian. The only thing is the difference is job positioning. In order to have patients, I would have to either move out farther from the city, work specifically at a racetrack, or become the private veterinarian of a couple horse ranches. I love riding horses and I would love to learn to care for them as well, but with the number of horse owners dwindling because of money, many of them probably wouldn't pay for them to be taken care of.
On a smaller scale, I love the ocean and it's marine mammals. I think it would be cool and unique to become a marine biologist or specify marine mammals: dolphins and whales and seals. They've always fascinated me...and the ocean. It's a completely different world underneath the sea and I love experiencing it. Not to mention the animals are fascinating and different from land mammals.
So it has been forever since being on Xanga and blogging, but I have had recent inspiration to get my thoughts out once again.
I was at the bookstore today and, while my boyfriend was at a job interview, read a book called Just Ask: Diary of a Teenage Girl - Kim Vol. 1 by Melody Carlson. It was really interesting...it's about this girl (Kim) who gets a speeding ticket and makes a deal with her dad to keep her license and write replies to his newspaper column which he calls "Just Ask Jamie" (Kim=Jamie). I was about halfway through it when we had to leave, but it was a good read. The questions that were sent to her were thoughtful, and of course, some were just plain dumb. Who wants to get plastic surgery for boobs at the age of 15?! But the questions on life...that got me thinking. You see, Kim is Korean child adopted by Caucasian parents. She is Buddhist and her thoughts while answering the questions are a lot like my own.
I have thought about the meaning of life and death, but I have yet to come to conclusion about what I feel on it. There are endless possibilities and explanations, but I can't chose what my view is, if I have yet to have one. On one hand lies my Buddhism heritage: Karma, Rebirth, The Four Noble Truths, Nirvana... On the other hand lies my own beliefs based on my own feelings. It's hard to find a medium between the two...